A Guide On How To Deal With The Mess In Your Head When You Find Out Your Boyfriend Is Moving Away

Imagine both of you are pursuing further studies, and your boyfriend has just got accepted to a program in another state or, even worse, another country. Or, he just got a fantastic promotion which requires him to relocate to Italy. All of a sudden, you start getting pessimistic and doubtful about the future of your relationship. On top of that, you catch yourself feeling guilty. Instead of popping champagne bottles, you are constantly wondering about your future as a couple.

 

Don’t blame yourself. Anyone facing this situation would feel the same (unless they don’t have feelings for their partner). All of a sudden, you are forced to evaluate your relationship and make a decision if it’s worth continuing your love story.

How do you deal with the situation? First and foremost, understand that asking him to choose between a new life in another place and you is just plain wrong.

 

Why is he moving away?

 

Talk and understand your partner’s intentions. When I started dating my boyfriend, he had to leave India very soon — his company had shut down, he was not able to find another job in a short period of time (they were not willing to employ non-citizens), hence he couldn’t get a visa.

 

He did his best looking for jobs, but we slowly understood that staying in India was unlikely to happen. Eventually, he moved to China because he received a great job offer (and … uhm … the only one). He couldn’t avoid the move, and we were definitely not ready to end our relationship. So, a LDR seemed to be the only solution (partially because, back then, I was sure that LDRs were so easy, as long as you love your babe … so not true).

 

What about your partner? Did he get a temporary job project assignment for one year and has to move abroad to complete it? Did you both just graduate and have to go to different cities? Or, did he decide to move across the country and try settling there without any specific reason? Is this move unavoidable?

 

How long is he moving for?

 

Is it a temporary or a permanent move? If he knows that he will come back, here’s the solution: wait for him… It’s not going to be easy, but it is possible to make it through. Even if both of you are moving to different places to finish your education (even if it takes as long as four years) you can still handle the separation because you will have a clear deadline before you even start your LDR. In addition to that, you can concentrate on pursuing your personal goals which were forgotten because you were too busy with your sweetheart. Use the time alone to develop yourself!

 

Now, the bitter truth: If he got an amazing job offer, and is moving to a place which is a twelve-hour flight away (and it will be permanent), that doesn’t sound promising. To be honest, it’s most likely to die slowly.

 

If both of you prioritize your personal/career goals over your relationship, it’s completely fine. But it should get you thinking, what does this relationship mean to you, and should you give it a chance and work on it at all? Sometimes, it makes more sense to end it than possibly have an ugly end in the future.

 

Any love story requires quite a bit of work and compromise. If you are located in different zip codes, it will need much more effort from both of you than being in a regular relationship. If you are willing to let go some of your ambitions/goals in exchange for saving your love, there are quite a few options.

 

You could move with him and try to pursue your career there. Alternatively, he could think about rejecting the offer and finding a job where you are. Also, you could stay where you are for some time and your partner could spread the word (and CV) about you in his new location — that would open you some doors even without physically being there.

 

That’s what we did, and it worked out quite well. I kept sending job applications to companies in China, providing local phone number of my boyfriend in advance before flying down. Meanwhile, he was promoting my skills everywhere — meetings with clients, bars, friends, his workplace etc. It worked out very well. The day I landed in China, I had no time to overcome my jet lag — I had interviews lined up!

 

How far away is he moving and are you capable of continuing the relationship over a distance?

 

Big distances create big time differences, are too impractical for weekend visits, and are costly. When we decided that we would try to pursue a long distance relationship, we actually sat down and figured out how much money we would be able to invest into our love. In other words, how many flights we will be able to take. 🙂

 

Be honest with yourselves: You won’t be able to last for long if you can only meet once in six months. On another hand, your boss won’t be happy if you plan to take a week’s leave every few months. Can you meet for a weekend every 1-2 months? How long can you stay without seeing each other?

 

What does his move mean to your relationship and what to do about it?

 

You have these options:

 

  • Have a temporary LDR with a plan for one of you to move. If you have been reading my blog, you might be tired of me repeating how important it is to plan closing the distance. I honestly believe that love, compassion, respect and planning are the only ingredients needed to have a happy-ending LDR. If one of you is okay to follow the partner, you are half way there. Feeling anxious about moving and ending up being an unemployed housewife? You might not take me seriously, but you will not end up sitting at home as long you have goals and work on chasing them. I’ve moved to three new countries so far (and I would do it few more times), and I’ve managed to settle and continue my career every time- just because I believed I could do it.

 

  • Pursue the relationship until he comes back, because the LDR is a temporary optionAs long as you have the end date for your LDR (even if it’s as long as studying abroad for 4 years), it’s possible. Talk about how you will handle that phase, establish some rules, decide how often you will meet and, of course, spare time for learning how to handle your LDR.

 

  • Try to have a LDR without the end date and…and wait until it slowly dies. If you both understand that he has to move for good but none of you are willing to give up anything…that’s a red flag. Maybe, the smartest thing to do is to end the relationship. If the relationship is bound to end, taking that call while you both still have a positive attitude towards each other (with the agreement to remain friends and let each other know if one day you end up in the same location) might be the best you can do. And maybe you could take it forward one day from where you left it. Don’t take up the challenge unless you are sure you want to do it.

 

It’s not an easy decision I hope these questions might help you make up your mind:

 

  • Will you be able to spend your evenings alone and not get low?
  • How often you will need to see him?
  • Will you get jealous if he has female friends or angry if he won’t be able to text or call for days?
  • Will you be able to spend holidays and personal celebrations apart?
  • Will you remain honest?
  • Will you stay faithful?
  • Do you trust him with all your heart?
  • Will you enjoy your life alone?
  • Will you manage to solve problems by communicating verbally?
  • Will you go an extra mile for seeing him?

 

I hope this helps you to take the right call about your relationship. And if you decide to continue your love story (which I hope you do!), check out the related articles for the future 🙂

You May Also Like

4 thoughts on “Your Boyfriend Is Moving Away—Is It As Bad As It Sounds?

  1. Hi there,
    In my case of my relationship situation with my fiancé which is we are getting married in just few months away. So suddenly, he had an offer to move to L.A for 1-2 year but I can not go with him because of my situation that I have a 2 year son with my previous boy friend. We both don’t want to leave each other or break up for that reason but we really don’t know what the right answer. He said if he leaves me in California and he’s in somewhere else he will loose his mind and plus he already has trust issues so he couldn’t figure out if there is away! Please help us out!!

    1. Hi Lina,

      I’m sorry to hear your confusion. But I have to be honest with you that there are quite a few important factors why your long distance relationship wouldn’t be so hard to manage: you already know the the duration of time you have to stay apart; you are in a serious relationship and are about to become a family; the distance you would have between you would allow you to spend at least two weekends a month together; you would have no time difference which would allow smooth communication and, of course, affordable calling rates and smooth network when on the call! On another hand, you both should evaluate the reasons WHY would he choose to move- is it benefiting him financially/allows to build his career/he has no other choice? Is the reward good enough to sacrifice living together for a year? I understand that it feels really bad right now, but him moving apart for a year or two might even help your relationship and solve his trust issues (as long as you both work on that, of course). Hope it all goes well!

      Hugs, Lisa

  2. Room mate turned serious boyfriend moved 24 hrs away to try to become a ff. She lives in a giant wonderful new england city, & am emploed by the best college there is. ( begins with H) does she leave & follow him. She hates the climate, bugs, etc… lack of public transportation &
    Ivy League colleges,

  3. My boyfriend might be moving to California and we are both in N.Y. right now. We are 23 and still live with our parents. We have been together for almost 3 years and it has been amazing. He is completely understanding and wonderful. His parents own the building He is currently staying in but they want to rent it out entirely so they want him out and to move him away to California to stay with his older brother. He has told me how beautiful and big the house is and how much he wants me to be happy in a home like that so he encourages me to try to better my life since my family and i currently live in a small railroad type apartment in New York.. We don’t have money or amazing jobs at all so we can’t afford to move out of here. Definitely not in a very very very very long time even if I go to college which will take even longer. My mom is a single mom. Aside from that, he can’t move here with me as I don’t have the space.. and I can’t go with him because my mom wouldn’t allow that nor would I feel happy leaving them behind in a sloppy place. Plus, he also doesn’t want me to feel guilty for leaving them. He says it is temporary and he plans to come back here, he says it would be for 6 months to 1 year but I always think about the possibilities of what if he likes it there and decides to stay or something of the sorts. He tells me if I work on my future while he does the same if he is to move there he will be finding his way to come back and I should find my way to better my life and come to him or get him back here. It is so much to think about because even so.. those things can’t happen in the span of a year. I can’t afford a house. I wish i could. I don’t want to lose him every morning and every night and times in the day it feels like my whole world is falling apart and I can’t find it in me to do anything. I am happy he is willing to stay with me but I just wish he would stay. I wish his parents would just let him stay.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


*